The Beauty of Pain and Sorrow

Last Friday I had my second reconstruction surgery, the "exchange".   This surgery was to remove the tissue expander's and replace them with implants.   Since having the tissue expander's, I have gone through 15 weeks of expanding.  
How do they expand your chest anyway?  The doctor sticks a needle into your breast that goes through a port in the tissue expander.   They fill the tissue expander with saline/salt water.    The expansion is a slow process and it's purpose is to slowly stretch out the skin and muscle tissue so it expands far enough out, to insert an implant.
Last nite I cried so hard my eyes began to burn and my head was pounding.  I needed to cry, to let out my personal pain, to relieve some of the pressure from the inside...that is true pain and a sign of a pure heart.  My boyfriend felt my pain and was there to support me while I completely let go of this deep rooted pain.  I felt his love, sorrow and pain for me and all that I had been through.  It was a magical moment to be able to share that with him and know that he was there with open arms to accept me for all I was unloading.  His words of encouragement warmed my heart as the tears of pain left my body.



By the time I was done being expanded, I was so stretched out that it became very uncomfortable.  My "breasts" were tight as a drum and quite large. Given the size and texture of the tissue expander's, it was hard to imagine what my breasts were going to look like with a smaller implant.  As a side note...I'm very happy with the outcome of my surgery and the size of my implants.  They are perfect in every way...not to big, not to small, they are just right for my body.  My surgical team and reconstructive doctor, did an amazing job.  I am thankful for their gifted hands...the incisions are very clean and straight!

My journey with breast cancer has had  lots of love, support and personal emotions.   I am going through one of those emotional moments now.   I am reminded why I am laid up in bed for the 7th day in a row.  It's not because I had implants surgically placed in my chest last Friday ; it's  because I had breast cancer.   My breasts were removed 4 1/2 months ago and I've been going through breast reconstruction since that time.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer 7 months ago and there really hasn't been a day that I haven't had to face my diagnosis.  I am reminded every day that I look in the mirror and watch the transformation happen before my eyes.   I am thankful to have reconstructive surgery...but that doesn't remove the fact that I had breast cancer.   This journey is yet not over.  The completion of my transformation will not be done until this fall, when I have my final procedure.   By that time, a full calendar year will have gone by.   I honestly had no idea this process would take an entire year.  I've had to be patient, strong and continue to perservere.   I've had to smile on days I didn't feel like smiling; show everyone that I am ok and this thing called breast cancer didn't get me.   The truth is...IT DIDN'T, but today I am sad for the girl who lost her breasts on March 1st.  I feel the pain of my loss.  I haven't taken a moment to recognize that pain, that sadness and spend time telling myself I am sorry for your loss.   I have numbed my pain thru my natural strength...hidden it away hoping I would never have to feel it, that I was to strong and courageous to feel it.  I am finally feeling it!!!   These wounds of pain have not shown outwardly to anyone.    They are much deeper than that and I don't wear pain on a daily basis.   It is not part of my wardrobe for everyone to see.   It is a layer below that only I can see and feel.

On the outside I look healthy, happy and I look unaffected by what I've been through; including this last surgery.   I've chosen to be strong for myself and for those around me.   For if they feel my pain, they will feel sorrow and I want everyone to feel like this is just another day.I believe I mastered that!   I wouldn't say I am proud that I have kept people in a positive place, if anything it has hurt me because I have not been honest about the pain I am feeling.   


When we least expect it, life sets us up with a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change.  At a moment like this we can not walk away and say we aren't ready to take on this challenge.  You must act accordingly, rise to the occasion and accept the challenge.   Challenges come with fear, pain, sorrow, courage, strength, love and happiness.

For to not go through a challenge, you never learn anything, therefore you never grow.   I am growing emotionally from the challenge life set me up with.   Every now and then a learning moment occurs and I am thankful for the challenge which is now a gift from life to make me a better person inside and out.

I am happy that I am able to recognize the loss of my breasts, rejoice in what life has given me to be able to continue to walk through life feeling feminine, strong and capable of conquering anything that comes my way.

When we are recovering from  the removal of a life threatening disease, we are not only healing our surgical wounds but our emotional wounds are healing too. Your body requires a great deal of energy to heal all of you physically and emotionally.  We must be kind to our bodies and give it the rest it is asking for to make us strong again.   Recognize and be with the emotions that come to you during your healing process, for that is a sign of growth and strength.

I feel very vulnerable at the moment, for exposing my pain.   I know tomorrow I will fee lighter, stronger and happier because I took the time to recognize the pain and loss I feel inside and am beginning to let go of it.

"Out of your vulnerabilities will come your strength." - Sigmund Freud

Until next time...

Struggles

We can struggle emotionally, physically and mentally.   It is our inner strength that pulls us through these struggles.  You have to dig deep to find your strength within your mind, body and soul to help you through challenging moments. 

Last fall I was on the path to compete in a March 2013 show.     I was training twice a day and following a lean diet to get my physique where it needed to be.  For the first time in two years I was struggling with my “competition” diet.  I was 100% some days, while other days it felt like I was only able to stick to it about ½ the day.  When evening time rolled around, the cravings hit the roof and I caved.   I got right back on the next morning only to find a few days later I was caving at dinner time.  Mind you I wasn’t inhaling pizza, ice-cream or cheeseburgers, I was eating things like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, gold fish, chips and salsa…normal stuff.   Everyday felt like a struggle as I found myself saying “I’m not going to do that again”.  I did it again and again and again.  I couldn’t figure out why I was struggling.  It began to bring me down that I wasn’t able to dig deep to straighten this problem out.  I was around 15% body fat at this time, which is GREAT for the average person, but not for a competitor who is going to be stepping on stage.    My nutritionist changed up my diet and my workout routine.  The struggle still existed.   The bottom line was…it was me.  I was preventing myself from being successful.

When January rolled around, I swore to my diet, I had 3 months to get my diet in gear.  The workouts were a breeze.  I love lifting and doing cardio.  It's my anti-depressant.  My mind clears, my energy is better and my attitude is positive.    I got my head on straight and followed the plan.   About 3 weeks into it, I felt the struggle coming on again.  I was so frustrated with myself.  Why can’t I do this?  This diet was easy compared to past diets where it felt like I was absolutely starving to death.   What was my issue?

On January 31, 2013 I was diagnosed with breast cancer.   This was a gift to have gotten this news!  While that certainly wasn’t my feeling at the time; looking back it was the excuse I was looking for.  I wanted to go off the diet and eat, drink and be merry.  Guess what?  I did!!   I ate what every normal person eats.  It was heavenly.  It was as if I had never tasted these foods before.   I enjoyed wine and cheese, gourmet meals with sauces, sourdough bread and butter.  Oh my gosh, it just got better and better.  While some people may be devastated when they are diagnosed with breast cancer, it was my excuse to indulge in life’s pleasures!  I no longer had the daily struggle with my diet.  I didn’t care anymore.  I was free of that battle!  I had a new battle to cope with.  

It has been 6 months since I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I can’t believe how fast those months flew by.  Truly unbelievable.   I have spent more time with my friends in these past 6 months than I have in the past few years.  I'm not only indulging in great food and wine, but I indulged in my friendships, mini get a way’s, dinner parties and time with my family.   All of this has been extremely fulfilling.    The 6 month sabbatical from the body building/figure competition world, was much needed.  I had several injuries that were able to mend during this time as well.   While I didn’t completely stop working out, I haven’t been working out twice a day. 

Sometimes, we are struggling with something because it’s a sign.  I believe my struggle was a sign that my body was battling the tumor inside my breast.   It was trying to tell me, it didn’t have the mental strength required to stick to a competition diet.  It needed my mind to focus on a much bigger challenge.   

It’s important to be connected to your mind and body.  If we listen closely, it might be trying to tell us something.  It may be time to take a break from whatever it is that you are struggling with.  Giving yourself a break from your struggles, might provide insight and give you the clarity you need to find peace.

I found clarity, insight and peace with many things in my life.  Taking a break from something that I was struggling with that completely consumed my mind, did me good.  It didn’t happen overnite.  It took 6 months to get here.  I am stronger inside and I am ready to jump back into the body building sport.   I am embracing my diet and am really excited about coming back in with a fresh mind.   I am doing this for me.  I want to be the best that I can be for myself and if I achieve that, I will have the confidence to step on stage and be a winner!  

Until next time...

Tamoxifen

Just when things are feeling like they are getting back to normal...I take a few steps backwards.

On Friday, April 19th I started taking Tamoxifen.  I chose to take it in the evening before bed, to help eliminate any potential nausea.   The first nite I took it, I had a lot of cramping in the early morning, followed by what felt like morning sickness.   I experienced that for a few days and then things seem to feel okay.   As you all know, I started exercising again per my doctor's orders.   I believe that was about 2 1/2 weeks ago.  Jogging seemed to be fairly easy and I was starting to do some light weight-lifting at the gym.  None of which seemed to cause any problems.  In fact, I felt really good and full of energy.

The morning of April 24th, I went for a run and immediately felt breathless.  I thought it was just one of those bad workout days that we all experience once in a while.   Nothing major, right?   That evening, I couldn't catch my breath...my breathing was difficult and somewhat labored.   I was debating whether or not I should go to the ER, but I felt like this would pass.  I had a much more intense feeling in my chest, just after coming out of recovery from my bi-lateral mastectomy.  If I could relax enough and find a position that would allow more air into my lungs, perhaps the feeling would subside.  Only, it didn't.  I started to feel a tightness in my chest and my heart beat felt more like a flutter or butterfly.  It was irregular.  I thought this was all coming on because I was becoming more anxious as the time passed and my symptoms were not improving.  As I lie in bed, breathing thru my mouth trying to pull air into my lungs, I felt tremors in my body.  This felt more like the body was starting to relax.  I thought, if I go to the ER I will be there all nite and I was too tired to go.  After 40 minutes of difficult breathing, I drifted off to sleep.   

I woke up the next day feeling pretty crappy.   I contacted my doctor and she asked me to head to the hospital because there was a small chance I had a blood clot in my lung.  I took a taxi to the hospital and as soon as I arrived and shared that I had gone through a bi-lateral mastectomy 8 weeks ago, they admitted me.  The quickly ran an EKG, checked my oxygen, hooked me up to an IV and ran a series of blood tests.   Given my symptoms, they also performed a C-Scan, to ensure there were no blood clots in my heart or lungs. 

All my tests came back normal, but they continued to monitor me.   By this time, I'm feeling more relaxed and my breathing isn't feeling as labored.  I was able to get some rest in to completely unwind.   

The doctor came in to check on me and thought that the symptoms could be related to both my tissue expanders and the tamoxifen.  They recommended I take baby aspirin to avoid getting any blood clots.  Tamoxifen is known for causing blood clots.

They suggested I continue to take Tamoxifen and rest and not do any vigorous exercising for a few days.   

On Monday I saw my doctor and it was confirmed that these symptoms are related to Tamoxifen, but to give my body time to adjust to it.  I have said all along I would give it 30 days no matter what symptoms arose.

I got in to see my Traditional Chinese Medicine Doctor.  They look at your body's symptoms an eastern/alternative way vs. the way western doctors look at test results.  She noticed my body was completely out of balance, my emotions were high and my diet was off (so true), my liver and spleen were also out of balance.  She checked my blood pressure on both my left and right side, which didn't match.  The top #'s looked okay but the bottom numbers were quite high...creating much concern.  You see when the bottom number is high, that indicates your heart is working to hard.  When you exercise, drink coffee, have alcohol, or eat foods that have a lot of sodium in them...that can add pressure to your heart and cause it to beat faster and pump more blood through your system faster than it should be.

She started acupuncture immediately, to help me relax.  She started by inserting several needles in my back.  After they were all in place, I laid on my back.  She checked my inner feet, which hurt as well as the inside of my knees and thighs. All the pressure points she touched, were quite tender.  She inserted a needle at each pressure point along the insides of my feet, knees and thighs.  The last needle was inserted in my lower belly.  She pulled over a contraption that hung over my belly, which radiated heat to the area.  She turned off the lights and I left the room.  I took many breaths to calm my heart.  It felt like I spent the entire time trying to catch my breath.  By the time she came back in the room, I could pull air into my lungs without work.  It was a peaceful feeling.

She removed all the needles and pulled out a tray of bamboo cups.  She dipped a long thing metal stick into a clear liquid and lit the end on fire.  She put one end of the stick in the cup and quickly blew it out and attached it to my back.  I could instantly feel the pull on my muscle, it was like someone was grabbing my muscle trying to let the tension out.  She added 4 more bamboo cups and another one to the top of each of my traps.  OMG, it was an incredible feeling.  The cups were sucking on my back like leaches.  Pulling all the blood to the surface.  My heart slowed, my lungs completely opened and I could get air all the way to my belly.  It felt AMAZING!   I didn't want her to take them off.  The tension was leaving my back as the cups sucked harder on my back.  She came back in the room and removed the cups.  As she removed each one a popping suction sound happened.  It left marks all over my back, but I didn't care!  I was relaxed and could catch my breath again.

She recommended I increase my chinese herbs and see her two more times this week to make sure we have worked through the rapid heart rate issues.   I haven't had any coffee today and while I'm tired, my breathing is good!   That's all I care about.

I'll see her again tomorrow and am hoping we will have eased the side effects I'm feeling from Tamoxifen.  I am relieved she is able to treat these symptoms...otherwise I may not be feeling okay about continuing the Tamoxifen.  

Until next time...

Breast Cancer - Reconstructive surgery

I posted this today on my Giveforward fundraising site, to share the latest news with everyone.

Good morning everyone,

I did not plan to provide any further updates, but I keep thinking of all of you and how much your love, prayers, support and gifts have not only meant to me but helped as well.   By next week, it will be 45 days since my bi-lateral mastectomy.  I'm completely in awe that time has passed.  It really seemed like only a few weeks ago when I underwent surgery.

Since that time I have returned to work.  The first week was overwhelming.   It took me some time to get acclimated, but as soon as I was, it felt great to be back.  

The medical bills have started to arrive.   I am so thankful to all of you for your generous donations in helping me apply all of your gifts towards my medical bills.   While I do have health insurance, there are out of pocket expenses that we incur regardless of how much coverage we have.   Since January, it is safe to say I have had over 50 doctor appointments.  Not a single day goes by where I don't think of your support and how fortunate I am to have such a wonderful circle of family and friends in my life.  It is overwhelming at times to take all that in.   I am indebted to you all!!!

In previous posts I mentioned that I had looked into alternative chinese medicine as part of my treatment plan, in addition I changed over to an organic-vegetarian diet.   I've been taking the chinese herbs for about 30 days and feel a HUGE difference as a result of taking them.  I honestly have never slept as well as I have been for the past 30 days.  I really believe that a full nites sleep is the secret to being in a good mood and maintaining an even amount of energy throughout the day.   I had two nites where I didn't sleep that well, and it was because I forgot to take my herbs before bed.  The next day I was dragging and cranky.  No fun for anyone...including myself.   

During the past month I have also elected to have more in depth testing and explorations done on my body to ensure that there are no other signs of masses, in my body.   I elected to have these tests because I wanted to ensure that there were not any other hazards in the body, prior to taking tamoxifen.  I think you all know that I struggled with this decision to take tamoxifen due to the cancerous side effects that tamoxifen can cause.    After being told by 6 different doctors to take tamoxifen, I made the decision to try it.   My body has had time to heal from the surgery and become more balanced as a result of the chinese herbs, kale protein green drinks and vegetarian diet.  I feel like my body will respond better to the drug, given where I'm at.   They said I may feel sick the first week of taking it because my system is so clean right now.  I think I can handle a week of that.  

On the tissue expander front, my breasts are now expanded to 290 cc's.   I have one more fill to go and I believe I will be where I want to be from a size perspective.  Once I get there, the doctor will over expand me so that when the implants are inserted, the breasts will fall more naturally.  Right now, they honestly look like two tennis balls under my muscle.  I still love them even though they are "bolted" on!   The 2nd surgery is planned for July.   The date has not been set yet.  The surgery scheduler is in the process of scheduling it.   

The final surgery...yes there is a 3rd!   This surgery will be scheduled in the fall.   The final phase will be constructing a nipple and areola.  There are several options for this procedure.  You can have a nipple reconstructed as an "outty" and use skin from another part of your body to rebuild the areola.  You can also just reconstruct the nipple and have your areola tattooed on.  The final option is to have a 3-D tattoo.   I have not decided what I will do.  I have time.  

By the end of 2013, I will have completed my breast reconstruction.   It will be a relief when I arrive at that point.   While these next two surgeries aren't nearly to the extent as the bi-lateral mastectomy; it still makes me nervous.  I've never had this many surgeries in less than a year...let a lone a year!

Life continues to move on, my schedule with work and kids is back to what it was...only much harder to manage than before with all the dr appt and baseball practices/schedules, etc.  can take a toll on me.   I continue to keep my head up, my attitude positive and I'm just happy to be where I am.  Healthy!

Finding balance

Today I am going in for my bi-annual skin cancer scan.  Am I nervous?  Very much so.  Once you have been diagnosed with cancer, you go in to every exam wondering what they are going to find. You are anticipating the change in their expression, during your exam.  You are tense, sweating and holding your breath at every exam.   I'm sure it's a natural feeling, but it creates a lot of anxiety the day of your appointments.   

I had lip cancer less than 4 years ago.  I have blown off my bi-annual skin cancer scans for the last year and a half.   Admittedly I did the same thing with my annual mammograms, only to discover I had breast cancer after taking a 3 year sabbatical from mammograms.  I have learned my lesson and will stay on top of my exams from here on out.  

I have had a suspicious bump on my left ear for about a year.   I have always thought it would eventually go away.  It looks very similar to the white clear bump that was found on my lip.   Maybe I've just been ignoring the idea of hearing those words again...you have cancer.   I'm ready to find out what this little bump is.  I'm hoping it turns out to be nothing of concern.  

I realize I am incredibly fortunate for only having to endure a bi-lateral mastectomy and the recommendation to start drug therapy to treat my cancer from a medical standpoint.   Unfortunately, doctors and everything you read tells you that there is always that possibility that you have active cancer cells lurking in your body.  I don't mean to sound morbid, but instead I am being very realistic and aware of this point.  This I believe is why cancer patients and cancer survivors go into appointments on alert!   We are armed and ready for battle at all times.   It's a natural defense mechanism that kicks in.  

Fortunately, this lurking feeling is easily distracted.   I returned to work on Tuesday, April 2.  It feels really good to be back in the throws of work.  I have come to realize how much I do enjoy my work and what I do for a living.  My job makes my thrive and gives me a level of adrenaline that I never noticed, until now.   While my breasts will always be a reminder of what I endured...it gave me the gift to be able to see more clearly, to have patience in areas of my life I didn't have before and to appreciate and love all that I have in my life.  I feel more grown up in some ways.  I will always be young at heart but there is a maturity level that has risen to the surface which I feel and see now.   Each day I enter back into the old routine, I see something new.   I'm much more aware of everything.   It's really wild at times to feel this way, but it makes me feel alive!

Next week I am scheduled for a extensive ultrasound.  The purpose of this exam is to explore my uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes, to ensure everything is normal.  If the results come back normal, I will start taking tamoxifen starting in May.   In the meantime, I am eating lots of greens, have cut out chicken and red meat and giving my body time to rebuild it's immune system and drop a few of the emotional pounds I gained from being diagnosed with breast cancer.

My life is starting to feel more balanced and I'm finding more peace in my heart and soul.  Sometimes, it takes a twist in our lives to help us slow down and smell the roses.  

Here is a spiritual quote from Buddha that is a good reminder to us all. “The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.”

Namaste

Cancer doesn't always look bad on the outside...

I am a cancer survivor, but on the outside you wouldn’t know that.   I had a bi-lateral mastectomy on March 1, 2013.   After testing my tumor against the Oncotype DX test, it was determined that my type of cancer would not benefit from Chemo.  That’s EXCELLENT news, yes?   As I begin to heal and make progress with my range of motion and what I am able to do, I enter back into the throws of life only to learn I am not where I was physically.

There are days that I honestly don’t feel like I ever had cancer.  My breasts are gone but that doesn’t bother me one bit.    Today, I ventured out to go grocery shopping.  I’ve made a choice to change my already healthy diet to a more organic/raw diet with more  plant protein.  I’m still eating animal protein but not as often as I was.   I was not an organic advocate prior to making this decision.  I actually thought it was all a marketing scam for farmers to make more money.   After doing much research on the subject, the United States Department of Agriculture  has a  National Organic Program and the Organic Foods Production Act which are intended to assure consumers that the organic foods they purchase are produced, processed, and certified to be consistent with national organic standards. 

You don’t need to rely on me for that information.  I’ve pulled this right off the pages of the USDA Organic website.  USDA Consumer Brochure: Organic Food Standards and Labels: The Facts

“What is organic food? Organic food is produced by farmers who emphasize the use of renewable resources and the conservation of soil and water to enhance environmental quality for future generations.  Organic meat, poultry, eggs, and dairy products come from animals that are given no antibiotics or growth hormones.  Organic food is produced without using most conventional pesticides; fertilizers made with synthetic ingredients or sewage sludge; bioengineering; or ionizing radiation.  Before a product can be labeled ‘organic,’ a Government-approved certifier inspects the farm where the food is grown to make sure the farmer is following all the rules necessary to meet USDA organic standards.  Companies that handle or process organic food before it gets to your local supermarket or restaurant must be certified, too.

I am more confident about making this decision to move to organic foods.  I am not going to the extreme.  Any “skinned” fruit or veggies such as bananas and avocados; I will buy whether it is organic or not because it has a thick skin to protect it from all the pesticides.   This could be up for debate, but this is my personal choice.

Going shopping today was a bit of a transition because I shop at a discount grocery store for all my “center isle” items.  They don’t have an abundance of organic foods.  In fact, I only found one itsy bitsy section of greens that were marked organic.  I made my way through the discount store to shop for what I needed for my pantry.  While I was shopping, I got bumped into by another female shopper.  She bumped right into my breast.  While I am still numb, it generated pain.  She didn’t even apologize.  I realized how unaware we can be about others when we are rushing from one place to another.  At the same time, I was floored that she didn’t apologize and that she didn’t know I had just had surgery to remove cancer from my breasts.   I do not look like the stereotypical cancer patient who we have all seen on television.  Thanks to the media, we have a stereotype about how one should look.  I look like everyone else.  I look healthy, I have hair, I’m wearing make-up and a spring outfit.  I don’t look that different from anyone else shopping.   I suddenly started to have a low sinking feeling rise in me. I ignored it and continued to shop.  I couldn’t’ reach for items I needed on higher shelves. That sucked!!! I managed to scale the shelves to get what I wanted…while it was unsafe, there wasn’t always someone in the isle I was in, to ask help from. 

I’ve got everything I need in my basket and head to check out.  This store requires that you bag your own groceries.  I’m completely okay with that.  I have my own bags that I bring with me, so I can neatly pack my groceries and it does help our environment ;-)   I start packing my groceries, realizing I have to pull my packed groceries out of the basket and put them in my car and then hall them up my stairs to my flat which is on the second floor or my building.  I try and pack each bag as lightly as I could.  The sinking feeling was turning in my stomach, making it’s way to my brain.  Oh boy…that’s never good.   I paid for my groceries and headed to my next store where I would grab all my organic veggies.  This store didn’t have as many organic goodies as I thought.  I got away with what I needed and headed to the check-out counter.

The young girl was smiling at me and said, “what have you been up to today”, I shared that I had been grocery shopping.  She continued to try and engage me and ask several more questions.  I put on a fake smile and pushed through her questions without giving much of an answer back.  For the first time, I wanted to blurt out “can’t you tell I had cancer”.   Clearly I was on a downward spiral.  I put my groceries in my car and sat there for a moment.  My phone chimes indicating a text has come in.  I look and it’s one of my girlfriends asking how I was doing mentally.  OH MY GOD, how does she know I am about to fall apart.  I sit in my car and cry!  I am realizing that I am not able to do as much as I could do before my bi-lateral mastectomy, I can’t reach things, I can’t carry 6 bags in one hand and 3 in the other. I have to take each bag up the stairs one by one.  I know that’s all I will be able to carry.   I made a conscious choice to go organic.  I’m shopping in unfamiliar territory.  I look the same, but things feel different.  I’m making a transition from what was a no brainer grocery shopping routine to something new.  

Transition to making a change is never easy.  We either try to resist it or we embrace it or we try it on for a while and see how it feels.  It felt very different for me today.  I mourned my past habits and shopping routine.  Not only was the shopping challenging due to my physical limitations, but it was challenging because I was concentrating on looking for organic items that had the appropriate organic label on it.  Those items are not all in the same place.   This was new to me.  Again, I was in unfamiliar territory.

Most of us go through life and create routines that we may or may not be aware of.  When we have to make changes, we feel the transition from what once was.  It feels different.  I am taking deep breaths and telling myself my changes are okay because this will soon be my new routine and when that day comes, it will feel like it’s always been that way.  

We like to feel comfortable, we like to know what we are doing, but as soon as we are outside of our comfort zone…we get uncomfortable and guess what that means...WE GROW! 

Don’t forget to apologize to the next person you accidentally bump into.  You could make a difference in their day! 

Namaste

Pre-op day

Posted on GiveForward February 3rd, 2013

Teresa will be prepping for her upcoming surgery as she heads in on Monday morning for a series of tests: blood panel, chest x-ray and an EKG.  These are standard tests all patients go through prior to surgery.   

A surgical date has not been scheduled, however  her surgery will happen in the next few weeks.  

Genetic Review

Posted on GiveForward February 4th, 2013

Hi everyone,

Today I met with the genetic councelor who is managing my case.   The purpose of this meeting was to determine if I was a potential candidate for the test that determines if I have  BRCA1(BReast CAncer gene one)  or BRCA2 (BReast CAncer gene two).  Women who inherit a mutation, or abnormal change, in either of these genes — from their mothers or their fathers — have a much higher-than-average risk of developing breast cancer and ovarian cancer.  

Fortunately, it appears that I have a very low risk of having either of these genes. Most women who are at risk will score a 10% or higher on the "family tree"/analytics scoring matrix that is conducted on your families history with breast and ovarian cancer.  I tested .8%, which is very low!   The chances that I have either gene are too low to be considered as a candidate for a free scan. Given all the information I gathered from the councelor, I feel confident with the outcome.

Posted on GiveForward February 5th, 2013

The journey continues and Teresa's dream team of doctor's remain close to her on a daily basis.   We have learned that Teresa has Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.  This means the cancer started in a milk duct and has broken through the wall of the duct; invading nearby tissue.  Her cancer tested positive for estrogen receptive.  This type of cancer relys on hormones to grow.   For this reason, it has been recommended that she remove her Mirena IUD, which releases small amounts of hormones into the body.    

Teresa's Dr will be removing her IUD tomorrow morning.  It's important to know that she had the IUD inserted for menstrual control.  Women who are going through perimenopause as Teresa was, experience heavier menstrual cycles and the Mirena IUD has been successful in reducing the amount of bleeding that occurs during this time in a woman's life.

Please keep Teresa in your prayers.

It's demolition day...

Posted on GiveForward March 1st, 2013

Good morning!  The day I have been so excited about has finally arrived.  It’s not often we share such intimate details about what we are about to endure during a surgical procedure.   To bring you all closer to what I am going to experience today, I thought it would be helpful to share this with you.

I am going to back up for a second.  Let’s first talk about what we are dealing with here.   Cancer is like a cake, there are many layers to it: the stage, the grade, the type and the kind.  I have two types of cancer.  Invasive Ductal Carcinoma and Ductal Carcinoma IS.  IDC means the cancer has spread to the surrounding breast tissue. .DCIS is the presence of abnormal cells inside the milk ducts in the breast.  My cancer is ER+(Estrogen Receptor), PR+(Progesterone Receptor) and HER2-.   The production of hormones promoted the growth of my cancer. A little hard to get away from when you are a girl ;-)   Today, the surgical team will be performing a bi-lateral (double) mastectomy. There are two things we don’t know about my cancer, if it has made it’s way into my lymph nodes and what the actual mass and extent is of the cancer.

In order to find out if the cancer has spread into my lymph nodes, the surgical team will be removing 3-4 lymph nodes to test for cancer.  I’ll begin this surgical journey in Nuclear Medicine where they will inject a radioactive blue dye into my breast.  The dye goes into the lymph nodes, and will begin to fill up the first lymph node where cancer would be.  There is a two hour waiting period between the time the dye has been injected and the time I go into surgery.   During surgery they will remove the lymph node(s) which have the most dye in them.  After they have removed the lymph nodes they will perform a cold or fast freeze on the lymph node to determine if there is cancer in them.  It’s important to know that not all lymph nodes could be impacted with cancer.  We are really hoping that none of them are!!!!

If the coast is clear and there is no presence of cancer in the lymph nodes, they will then remove all the breast tissue from both breasts.   The reconstructive surgeon will be working closely with the breast surgeon.  Once the breasts have been removed, the reconstructive surgeon will insert an expander behind the pectoral muscle. The tissue expander stretches the breast skin and muscle over a period of 3-6 months.  Once the skin and muscle are fully expanded a second operation will be performed to insert the implants.  A friend of mine shared a great picture of a t-shirt a woman was wearing that said “yes, they’re fake…the real ones tried to kill me”.  Well said!

If they find the cancer has moved into the lymph nodes, the reconstructive surgeon will abort her part of the surgery and the expanders will be inserted in March of 2014.  This gives the breast time to heal and the body time to adjust to radiation and chemo.

The treatment I will have after my surgery is unknown at this time.  Unfortunately, it’s not that black and white.  The treatment my Oncologist prescribes will be dependent on cancer being present in the lymph nodes and the mass of the cancer in my breasts.  This is yet another waiting period, as both the lymph nodes and tumors will be further examined and tested.   The final results will be known within 10 days of my surgery.   Whatever treatment I endure, it will start in 4 weeks.

I can feel the swell of the nerves starting to let me know they are lurking in my body.  I’m quite tired as I have not been able to sleep but 3-4 hours each nite over the last week.  That is very natural given the amount of anxiety we have when going through something like this.  I will have a few friends and my mom with me at the hospital to make me smile and keep my mind distracted as I head into the O.R.  I am looking forward to going to sleep during my surgery…I have some catching up to do.

The cancer can’t hurt me because I have not given it permission.  This little solider is ready for battle! 

Thank you all for your continued love, support and prayers.  I’ll see you on the other side.

MRI

Posted on GiveForward February 8th, 2013

Today Teresa went in for an MRI.  The purpose of the MRI is to help the dream team of doctors see the extent of the cancer…how large the cancer is and whether it involves the underlying muscle and if there are other cancers in the same breast and whether there is an unsuspected cancer in the opposite breast. 

The MRI results won’t be known until Sunday, but for now Teresa will be undergoing a mastectomy.  It is unclear if she would need radiation or chemo, as it would all depend upon if the cancer has spread through her lymph nodes to any other organs.  By undergoing a  mastectomy,  there would be no risk of getting breast cancer again.

Bottom bottom line….we won’t know very much more (except the results of the MRI) until they go in for surgery.  They are moving VERY quickly, and really seem to have their shit together.  She is comfortable with the whole process, but unfortunately between the happy drugs they gave her and the nasty flu that she’s contracted, she’s feeling a little under the weather overall right now and just needs to sleep.  But, as always, she was funny as hell, had a great attitude, and is taking it all in stride….

So, stand by for now…keep those prayers going, and keep sending that good positive energy!  She’s gonna be just fine, for sure…she’s just gotta get past these speed bumps!

Marathon of appointments

Posted on GiveForward February 11th, 2013 

Today was a marathon of appointments for Teresa.  She had a lymph flow test done.  This is a new test that just came out in October.  Looks like the donations towards cancer are really going to work.

The purpose of this test is to find lymphedema; a build up of fluid in the soft tissues of the arm or chest area after breast cancer treatment.    The test uses small electrical currents to determine changes in the volume of fluid in the arm before and after breast cancer treatment.  This test is similar to an EKG.  It's non-invasive and pain free!!!!  We like those kind of visits ;-)

Teresa will get the results from this test soon.   

She also met with her plastic surgeon to discuss her reconstruction options.  Teresa will be having a double or bilateral mastectomy.   There are two options for reconstruction...rebuilding the breast from tissue taken from her abdomen, lat area or inner thigh.  The other option is to have expanders inserted to stretch the skin out for implants.  There are benefits and risks to both options.  Teresa will make the choice that is best suited for her.

Last but not least, the poor girl came down with influenza.  Since she will be having surgery in the coming weeks, the surgical team recommended she be seen by her general practictioner to get the right kind of antibiotics to knock this thing out.  She can't proceed with her surgery until the cold is completely gone.

Her surgery date has not been set yet.  The doctors are in the process of scheduling her surgery.  She will know by Friday when that day will be.

Teresa continues to march forward with pride through this whole process.  The support from her family and friends has provided the necessary motivation and inspiration to continue to have a positive outlook on this.

Thank you for your prayers and all your positive thoughts!!

Thank you to all my donors who supported me on GiveForward.  It is a blessing to be surrounded by such wonderful people.  I am grateful to you all for your love and support!

Anne-Marie V.

MARCH 13TH, 2013

"You go girl! Great to see you have chosen to maintain your high energy, positive, attitude. I am also pleased you have embraced the humility that comes with truly accepting help from all of us who care and wish only the best for you!! Thanks too for being so transparent in sharing the insights your journey has given you. Peace to you and the boys."

Andrea O.

MARCH 13TH, 2013

"Teresa - you are in our thoughts and prayers every day! Stay strong!"

Lisa D.

MARCH 12TH, 2013

"my sister had the same dx Jan 13, 2012. we were estranged at the time and it's horrible to think that cancer put us back in each others lives but it did. She is 1 year cancer free and I know you will be just as lucky!!"

Irene

MARCH 11TH, 2013

"Every word you share with us is emotional, educational, inspirational... it's all so very Teresita! I thank you for sharing your life with me. Love you, my sister. ~Irene"

Anonymous

MARCH 4TH, 2013

"You are such an inspiration to us all!!!"

Ckauer Family

MARCH 1ST, 2013

"You ROCK, girlfriend! You are fierce and strong and gonna kick its a**! Hugs and prayers, Rosie"

Nicki

FEBRUARY 28TH, 2013

"You are loved. Be strong lil soldier!"

Matt and Arlene

FEBRUARY 28TH, 2013

"Good luck with the Surgery Teresa. We'll all be praying for you! We're all here for you as an extended family. Anything you need, let us know."

Cousin

FEBRUARY 27TH, 2013

·         $240.00

Sunil

FEBRUARY 26TH, 2013

"You're an inspiration!"

Anonymous

FEBRUARY 26TH, 2013

""clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose"...Stay focused & LIVESTRONG Teresa... you KNOW how much we LOVE YOU ~the Rooke Family"

Sharon

FEBRUARY 26TH, 2013

"Be brave and keep the faith! You are an inspiration to me!"

Kaye, Rod, Scott and Paige

FEBRUARY 25TH, 2013

"You go girl!!!!"

Warren, Kelly, Kaitlyn and Ryan

FEBRUARY 25TH, 2013

"Teresa- We are thinking of you and hope everything goes well with the surgery this week! Be strong- you can do this! Kelly, Warren, Kaitlyn and Ryan"

The Shireys

FEBRUARY 23RD, 2013

"You are strong and a fighter!! Praying for you sweetie!"

Stephanie C.

FEBRUARY 21ST, 2013

"Hey T, I can't believe this?!?! It seems like yesterday that you & I completed the Avon Breast Cancer walk??!! Know that I am thinking of you & praying for your good health. You can do this girl! I'm here for you, let me know how I can help:) XoXo Steph"

Fehmeen & Emma

FEBRUARY 19TH, 2013

"Teresa, you're in our thoughts and prayers."

Kim O.

FEBRUARY 19TH, 2013

"We are keeping you in our thoughts and prayers and know you will beat this!"

Kim B.

FEBRUARY 19TH, 2013

"May you be blessed and surrounded with love!"

Mike L.

FEBRUARY 19TH, 2013

"Wishing you all the best in this battle. You kick ass in all that you do and I know you will do the same with this. Love and prayers, Mike"

Lindsay D.

FEBRUARY 19TH, 2013

"You will beat this! You are strong and brave! If you need anything at all, let me know! Sending love and positive thoughts your way!"

Stella R.

FEBRUARY 18TH, 2013

"A "bump" in the road, Teresa, which I know you will navigate with strength and dignity. I send you my thoughts, prayers and best wishes for a smooth recovery. xo"

Troy & Mindi

FEBRUARY 15TH, 2013

"T - We love you and know you will beat this disease with flying colors. Remember, we're just a text away and available to help anytime! :-)"

Lorena & Ryan

FEBRUARY 14TH, 2013

"T-Doll, you are an incredible and beatiful Woman. Your courage and strength, I know, will see you through this speed bump in the road. The Love and Support of your Family and Friends will also be here to hold you close to their hearts through this journey too. I'm looking forward to many more KIZZ concerts with you! Keep up the great positive outlook, and we'll be sending you our prayers and encouragement along the way too. Much Love to you and your Sons, and extended Family. I Love You T-Doll XOXO."

Catherine & John

FEBRUARY 13TH, 2013

Chris and Kyle D.

FEBRUARY 12TH, 2013

"Do not fear, for I am with you: Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10 Thinking about and praying for you and your boys!"

Burton G.

FEBRUARY 12TH, 2013

"Stay strong and beat this cancer."

Lajoie

FEBRUARY 12TH, 2013

"Our thoughts are with you and know your strength and love from your boys will carry you thru to a full recovery."

Maxfields

FEBRUARY 12TH, 2013

"Our prayers are with you and your beautiful kids, Teresa!"

Dawn E.

FEBRUARY 12TH, 2013

"Sending hugs and special prayers your way! Your an amazing woman with a lot of courage. Stay strong."

Melissa B.

FEBRUARY 12TH, 2013

"I am so sorry to hear about your struggle but I love your positive spirit. Sending you healing energy and prayers. Good luck!"

Annie B.

FEBRUARY 12TH, 2013

"Just a blip in the journey. Stay strong!!"

Anonymous

FEBRUARY 11TH, 2013

"You got this!"

Nora & Mark

FEBRUARY 11TH, 2013

"Teresa, you are so strong I know you will conquer this! Sending you healing thoughts and prayers for a speedy recovery!"

David B.

FEBRUARY 11TH, 2013

"Best wishes"

Anonymous

FEBRUARY 11TH, 2013

"As a BC survivor, my prayers will be with you and wish you the very best!"

Lisa A.

FEBRUARY 11TH, 2013

"Teresa, just turned on my computer. Last time we spoke, you had the biopsy(ies). I am wishing you a speedy recovery, lots of luck, and sending big hugs. Stay strong. Lisa."

Sally D.

FEBRUARY 11TH, 2013

"Teresa, My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as you go through this journey. I know you will be fine with your positive can do spirit. Keep the faith."

Alia

FEBRUARY 10TH, 2013

"T....I know you can beat this! You have always been my inspiration:) Love you and miss you!"

Irene S.

FEBRUARY 10TH, 2013

"Teresita - I have no doubts your amazing will and strength will see you through this. You're in my prayers. I love you! - Irene"

Richard & Lynda

FEBRUARY 10TH, 2013

Anonymous

FEBRUARY 9TH, 2013

"God bless you and your family. We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers."

Amy C.

FEBRUARY 9TH, 2013

"Teresa: sending our positive thoughts and love to you!!"

Mary N.

FEBRUARY 9TH, 2013

"Dear Teresa Sending you lots of positive healing energy! Be well soon!!!"

Loretta C.

FEBRUARY 8TH, 2013

"You're gonna kick cancer's butt!"

Anonymous

FEBRUARY 8TH, 2013

"I will keep you in my prayers. Keep positive and never quit the battle. I wish you the very best."

Mandy S.

FEBRUARY 8TH, 2013

"We're praying for you all during this time. You're strong and will beat the pants off of this! Love you!"

Yates

FEBRUARY 8TH, 2013

Jeanne S.

FEBRUARY 7TH, 2013

"Sending you love, hugs & prayers! Xoxo"

Aimee

FEBRUARY 7TH, 2013

Anonymous

FEBRUARY 7TH, 2013

"We are here for you and your boys. Love ya lots."

Becky J.

FEBRUARY 7TH, 2013

"Love you!"

Brenda M.

FEBRUARY 7TH, 2013

"My thoughts are with you. Stay strong!"

Karen A.

FEBRUARY 5TH, 2013

"Theresa lots of prayers coming your way from the East Coast! May The Lord give you strength and courage to get thru this difficult road, may He give your family comfort, and may He guide your doctors to give you the best care!

Jill M.

FEBRUARY 5TH, 2013

"Sending daily prayers and positive thoughts your way... Logan, Tatum and Jill"

Dave C.

FEBRUARY 5TH, 2013

"To my sister. I want you to know that you are in my prayers and because you are such a strong person, you will come through this unfortunate event an even stronger person. Never give up the fight... Love, Dave"

Sharon D.

FEBRUARY 4TH, 2013

"T - we will pray for you and your recovery daily - God bless you and your kids, wish we lived close so we could be of practical help. xoxo"

Don N.

FEBRUARY 3RD, 2013

"You've beat it before, you can beat it again!"

Amorette and Brandi

FEBRUARY 2ND, 2013

"You are going to kick it's butt!! We love you!!"