Last Friday I had my second reconstruction surgery, the "exchange". This surgery was to remove the tissue expander's and replace them with implants. Since having the tissue expander's, I have gone through 15 weeks of expanding.
How do they expand your chest anyway? The doctor sticks a needle into your breast that goes through a port in the tissue expander. They fill the tissue expander with saline/salt water. The expansion is a slow process and it's purpose is to slowly stretch out the skin and muscle tissue so it expands far enough out, to insert an implant.
Last nite I cried so hard my eyes began to burn and my head was pounding. I needed to cry, to let out my personal pain, to relieve some of the pressure from the inside...that is true pain and a sign of a pure heart. My boyfriend felt my pain and was there to support me while I completely let go of this deep rooted pain. I felt his love, sorrow and pain for me and all that I had been through. It was a magical moment to be able to share that with him and know that he was there with open arms to accept me for all I was unloading. His words of encouragement warmed my heart as the tears of pain left my body.
By the time I was done being expanded, I was so stretched out that it became very uncomfortable. My "breasts" were tight as a drum and quite large. Given the size and texture of the tissue expander's, it was hard to imagine what my breasts were going to look like with a smaller implant. As a side note...I'm very happy with the outcome of my surgery and the size of my implants. They are perfect in every way...not to big, not to small, they are just right for my body. My surgical team and reconstructive doctor, did an amazing job. I am thankful for their gifted hands...the incisions are very clean and straight!
My journey with breast cancer has had lots of love, support and personal emotions. I am going through one of those emotional moments now. I am reminded why I am laid up in bed for the 7th day in a row. It's not because I had implants surgically placed in my chest last Friday ; it's because I had breast cancer. My breasts were removed 4 1/2 months ago and I've been going through breast reconstruction since that time.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer 7 months ago and there really hasn't been a day that I haven't had to face my diagnosis. I am reminded every day that I look in the mirror and watch the transformation happen before my eyes. I am thankful to have reconstructive surgery...but that doesn't remove the fact that I had breast cancer. This journey is yet not over. The completion of my transformation will not be done until this fall, when I have my final procedure. By that time, a full calendar year will have gone by. I honestly had no idea this process would take an entire year. I've had to be patient, strong and continue to perservere. I've had to smile on days I didn't feel like smiling; show everyone that I am ok and this thing called breast cancer didn't get me. The truth is...IT DIDN'T, but today I am sad for the girl who lost her breasts on March 1st. I feel the pain of my loss. I haven't taken a moment to recognize that pain, that sadness and spend time telling myself I am sorry for your loss. I have numbed my pain thru my natural strength...hidden it away hoping I would never have to feel it, that I was to strong and courageous to feel it. I am finally feeling it!!! These wounds of pain have not shown outwardly to anyone. They are much deeper than that and I don't wear pain on a daily basis. It is not part of my wardrobe for everyone to see. It is a layer below that only I can see and feel.
On the outside I look healthy, happy and I look unaffected by what I've been through; including this last surgery. I've chosen to be strong for myself and for those around me. For if they feel my pain, they will feel sorrow and I want everyone to feel like this is just another day.I believe I mastered that! I wouldn't say I am proud that I have kept people in a positive place, if anything it has hurt me because I have not been honest about the pain I am feeling.
When we least expect it, life sets us up with a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change. At a moment like this we can not walk away and say we aren't ready to take on this challenge. You must act accordingly, rise to the occasion and accept the challenge. Challenges come with fear, pain, sorrow, courage, strength, love and happiness.
For to not go through a challenge, you never learn anything, therefore you never grow. I am growing emotionally from the challenge life set me up with. Every now and then a learning moment occurs and I am thankful for the challenge which is now a gift from life to make me a better person inside and out.
I am happy that I am able to recognize the loss of my breasts, rejoice in what life has given me to be able to continue to walk through life feeling feminine, strong and capable of conquering anything that comes my way.
When we are recovering from the removal of a life threatening disease, we are not only healing our surgical wounds but our emotional wounds are healing too. Your body requires a great deal of energy to heal all of you physically and emotionally. We must be kind to our bodies and give it the rest it is asking for to make us strong again. Recognize and be with the emotions that come to you during your healing process, for that is a sign of growth and strength.
I feel very vulnerable at the moment, for exposing my pain. I know tomorrow I will fee lighter, stronger and happier because I took the time to recognize the pain and loss I feel inside and am beginning to let go of it.
"Out of your vulnerabilities will come your strength." - Sigmund Freud
Until next time...
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