Today I am going in for my bi-annual skin cancer scan. Am I nervous? Very much so. Once you have been diagnosed with cancer, you go in to every exam wondering what they are going to find. You are anticipating the change in their expression, during your exam. You are tense, sweating and holding your breath at every exam. I'm sure it's a natural feeling, but it creates a lot of anxiety the day of your appointments.
I had lip cancer less than 4 years ago. I have blown off my bi-annual skin cancer scans for the last year and a half. Admittedly I did the same thing with my annual mammograms, only to discover I had breast cancer after taking a 3 year sabbatical from mammograms. I have learned my lesson and will stay on top of my exams from here on out.
I have had a suspicious bump on my left ear for about a year. I have always thought it would eventually go away. It looks very similar to the white clear bump that was found on my lip. Maybe I've just been ignoring the idea of hearing those words again...you have cancer. I'm ready to find out what this little bump is. I'm hoping it turns out to be nothing of concern.
I realize I am incredibly fortunate for only having to endure a bi-lateral mastectomy and the recommendation to start drug therapy to treat my cancer from a medical standpoint. Unfortunately, doctors and everything you read tells you that there is always that possibility that you have active cancer cells lurking in your body. I don't mean to sound morbid, but instead I am being very realistic and aware of this point. This I believe is why cancer patients and cancer survivors go into appointments on alert! We are armed and ready for battle at all times. It's a natural defense mechanism that kicks in.
Fortunately, this lurking feeling is easily distracted. I returned to work on Tuesday, April 2. It feels really good to be back in the throws of work. I have come to realize how much I do enjoy my work and what I do for a living. My job makes my thrive and gives me a level of adrenaline that I never noticed, until now. While my breasts will always be a reminder of what I endured...it gave me the gift to be able to see more clearly, to have patience in areas of my life I didn't have before and to appreciate and love all that I have in my life. I feel more grown up in some ways. I will always be young at heart but there is a maturity level that has risen to the surface which I feel and see now. Each day I enter back into the old routine, I see something new. I'm much more aware of everything. It's really wild at times to feel this way, but it makes me feel alive!
Next week I am scheduled for a extensive ultrasound. The purpose of this exam is to explore my uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes, to ensure everything is normal. If the results come back normal, I will start taking tamoxifen starting in May. In the meantime, I am eating lots of greens, have cut out chicken and red meat and giving my body time to rebuild it's immune system and drop a few of the emotional pounds I gained from being diagnosed with breast cancer.
My life is starting to feel more balanced and I'm finding more peace in my heart and soul. Sometimes, it takes a twist in our lives to help us slow down and smell the roses.
Here is a spiritual quote from Buddha that is a good reminder to us all. “The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.”
Namaste
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