Off Balance

Do you ever get to a place in your life where you just feel off balance.  You have some really great days, and some days you struggle getting through.  

I have spent the last 6 months experiencing just that.   Since being diagnosed with breast cancer, I seem to have been able to motor through the diagnosis, marathon of appointments and the bi-lateral mastectomy.   I was optimistic about the entire experience and can only recall 2-3 really bad days during that 3 month time frame.  Not bad, huh?   Well, had I known the next 3 months were going to be a roller coaster of emotions, physical challenge and learning to cope with not being able to fully embrace my workouts the way I used to...I may not have been so positive and optimistic during  the first 3 months of this adventure.

For the past 15 weeks I have been under doctor's care, which included about 4-6 weeks of accupuncture and chinese medicine.  I've been going in for injections or fills as we call them...to expand my tissue expanders.  The purpose is to stretch the skin tissue so an implant can be put in, once the skin is fully stretched.  In the beginning, I LOVED going in for my fills.  I couldn't wait to watch my chest grow right before my eyes.  It was incredible to watch. I was a little sore after each fill, but it wasn't too bad.  What did occur was complete exhaustion for several days after the fill.  I wanted to sleep, eat comforting food and didn't have the energy to work out.  In between fills, when I would have a break, my stamina was better and I could workout.  Not like you, but I could do things to help keep my body strong.   

As the weeks and months went by, the fills got more intense.  In fact, my fill during week 14 put me in bed for 3 full days.  It felt like my chest had slammed into the dashboard of a car.  A very similar feeling to what I felt after my double mastectomy.  With that came depression because I couldn't do anything.  I"m not someone who needs to be going and doing all of the time, but rather someone who needs to be active and workout.   Since I couldn't workout, eating clean wasn't a priority.   

In April I started taking Tamoxifen.  This drug has a laundry list of side effects.   I have had a few, but the one that recently popped up was constipation.  That'll feed someone who isn't feeling all that optimistic, with some negative internal brain conversations.   The doctor has taken me off of it to see if that improves.

 I've been challenged with the tissue expanders, both physically and emotionally.  Some days I am able to push through, while other days, the trauma of the expansion gets the best of me.

I feel like it's time to surrender to these challenges and learn to have peace with the fact that I can't workout like I used to, my eating regimine is not going to be perfect.  I am trying to take a few steps back and give my body what it needs...lots of rest and TLC.  I feel my best when I'm working out, so having the level of workouts being taken from me has been incredibly hard and has brought on another level of emotions.

I'm looking forward to being off the tamoxifen to see if my bowl movements return to normal.  When are bowls are backed up, depression grows as does the waistline.  If you aren't getting rid of what you are eating...it's going to pile on; literally.

I'm working on finding peace with my inner struggles.  I know that after my surgery in July, it will all be uphill from there, and I will be back to a routine with less distruptions and more consistency and stability to allow me to dive into my love for working out.

I'm just going through some hi's and low's as would anyone in my circumstances.   I'm thankful for my friends, for the days I feel great and for the love and support that continues to pour in.  Finding balance in life can be hard, so I don't look for it any longer.  It will come to me because I'm surrendering.

Until next time...